Anxiety and other things about other things.

September 29th 2014
7:34pm

So I didn’t take my meds today so i’m a little worried about life. I’m starting to worry about the competition. Worried i’m not putting my all. But I also want to have time to relax and play sims. Maybe just an hour a day, followed by an hour of work? I need to work hard, right? But I can’t work all the time. Or am I justifying laziness. My heart says to relax on the computer for an hour and then get back to work. Sounds good brain, sounds good.

Also, my mum doesn’t let me go in the park by myself because she’s worried i’ll climb the tree. It’s sort of comforting I have to admit.

Swing From The Chandelier.

September 28th 2014 5:38

Right now i’m thinking I should take the dogs out. But then I think that I might pass a tree. And want to climb it. So then I think I should go for a longboard. But then, I don’t feel like it. But then… what if I never feel like it and never longboard agian?! What if i’m lazy??? So… maybe I should go for a run.

My god. What am I going to do when i’m older? When i’m living in LA or i’m in a cottage by myself? How am I going to keep myself safe?

Yesterday, I was at the mercy of dares. I was on my knees, literally; because there was a tree above me and I wanted to climb it. Wanted to risk slipping and falling to get that rush. To appease the beast. My sister literally pushed me back, It didn’t matter though. Soon enough I found a roof to climb onto, 10ft off the ground. at an angle where if I had slipped and fallen I could’ve cracked my head on the pavment.

My sister: If you fall and die i’ll be very sad. I walked around on the roof and got some things that had been stuck on it. Then my sister made me promise i’d dangle down. I promised but gave into urges and jumped off from a sitting position. It was either down than I thought and when I landed on the concrete I saw black for a split second.

I did not feel good after. I think it’s at a point where even dares is like “This is flipping ridiculous. You’re even disappointing me! I don’t even have to try that hard.” That’s because when I don’t give in I feel grounded. I want to fly.

I want to swing from the chandelier.

Almost Something Else

September 26th 2014 12:13am

Today I saw my anxiety become almost something else. I was so paranoid. I began to see shadows and fear things. I thought about aliens. I worried. I didn’t want to leave the house but I knew if I stayed inside i’d fear it even more, and once I went out, whenever I saw something that might trigger my OCD like a fence I want to climb i’d stomp my foot in frustration and peevishness. I sung to myself like I do when i’m anxious. I sing about my anxiety. It usually goes like this:

"Fuck you you asshole. You fucking slut. Even all the dirtiest words in the world couldn’t describe you best, you stupid cunt. I despise you, I despise you so deeply. You’re all that I can see, you block my view, Ooo Ooo Oooooo!"

It goes on as long as it needs to. But I even got a little teary. I was so frusterated. I began to think about suicide agian, but then I thought about how I thought yesterday how stupid suicide would be when in that moment I was perfectly happy. Watching my little brother do Karate and all that. But today it came back breifly, then my mum told me to eat some food and I felt better. I feel better now. I’m looking forward to getting some work done on my speeches and then going to sleep!

Goodnight!

No fear.

8:35pm September 26th 2014

  • My dad saunters into the family room dressed in a bathrobe and holding two glasses of wine in his palms.
  • Dad: Okay kids, i'm going to go sleep now with mum! Get yourselves to beds alright? Okayyyeeeeee byeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Sister: ......
  • Brother: .....
  • Me: ....(Yup they're gonna go have sex)
  • Grandma: (Smiles knowingly totally cool with the fact that her son is just gonna go get physical with this lady upstairs)
  • How my grandma does it I don't know. Honestly it baffles me.