55

I love another person.

My teacher Mr. Jerkon. As i’ve learnt through my life there are many different kinds of love. This is not sexual, don’t worry. And just so you know. I equally resent this man as much as I love him. Well, maybe I love him a little more. But not so much that I don’t say “ew” when we fist bump. Ew. I love Dr. S like my grandmother/guru. I love Mr. Jerkon like he’s my obnoxious and annoying stepdad.

My mum is friends with Mr. Jerkon. Good friends. He hangs out in her office. I semi-convinced myself it was an affair but no. Ew. That just couldn’t happen. I’ve known him since kindergarten and he’s always looked out for me. He has no children so I figure that he’s almost taken me on as his own. What makes me love him is his ability to forgive me. I once started a petition online to make our school have a snowday. Jerkon is the guy who decides that stuff. He got so so so mad at me. (He takes everything too freaking seiously) but he always gets overhimself. He’s so aggravating and he talks down to everyone. He’s not intimidating in the least though. I’m sure he likes to think he is. But I know he cares a lot about me too. He came to see my council thing with my parents and he said I did an “Amazing and wonderful job.” He shakes pinkies to make up with me. I always say “ew.” but that’s his thing. Today I called him a dick.

We were at the school we’re doing the competition at. Aftr the rounds for the day, some trips were organizied. I wanted to go but the boys i’m travelling and competing with are exhausted. I sided with them and my coaches (one of them being Mr. Jerkon) consented that we would stay home. However Mr. Jerkon later informed me that they had changed their minds. I was enraged for the boy’s sake! But. I agreed that I wanted to go out as well. Mr. Jerkon informed us that we would go home for a few hours then come back in time to catch the bus on the way out as a compromise. My other coach Ms. Catchu was staying to judge a section. I wanted to stay there while the boys when back to hang out with my new bff Claire. But nooooOOoOooOOooooo apparently Ms. Catchu said no. I had to say goodbye to Claire.

On the way home Mr. Jerkon’s reasoning was completely ridiculous.

"Why did you change your mind?"
“Well- multiple reasons… we think you should see the city and-“
“We’ve already seen the city”
“We don’t want you to waste your time.”
“We’re already so tired!”
“You can sleep in tomorrow though.”
“We always get up early to practice though!”
“Well..”
“And where does our opinion fit into this?”
“Well we’ve listened to your opinion….we just think your not seeing this clearly”
“What aren’t we seeing?”
“Well… we want you to experience things.”
“We won’t be able to enjoy it if we’re exhausted!”
“Look…. … ..”
“Mr. Jerkon. Remember when you said I had to wear my blazer way back in grade six and you said you were a benevolent dictator?”
“I am a benevolent dictator!”
“No! You’re just a dictator!”

…Then it came into my head. I couldn’t not say it. (Side note: This conversation does not clearly illustrate how frustrating and unjustified this was for us. Especially the boys who were practically falling asleep on the subway)

"(Under my breath) Emphasis on the dick."

He heard that. He looked really hurt and refused to fist pump me. When the boys asked what happend. He said I called him a dick and he wouldn’t suspend me or anything. I said I just severed our releshionship. He nodded. I was actually so hurt that I had hurt him I began to cry a little. No one knew. Thats when I realized I cared about his feelings a lot and loved him like my weird step dad.

He fist pumped me though and we talked about the situation. I explained to him that the boys won’t remember this as a good experience if they’re being forced to do something even if you think it’s enjoyable. I said casually “Look, Mr. Jerkon. I love you like my weird stepdad.” and he laughed. He said “If they just stay at home they’ll be bored” I said “You obviously haven’t been 16 in a long time. He laughed again.

I mentioned to the boys in the elevator that I loved Mr. Jerkon like my weird stepdad. One dude said “Thats really creepy.” I mentioned that also resented him. But all in all, I don’t think it’s that creepy. Love comes in many forms. This is a different kind of love. It’s a step-dad love. Teenage daughters admitting they love their dads is hard. In fact, admitting I love anyone for me is hard. Especially when I know it’s true. Mr. Jerkon has been my dad for this trip and I know he’ll continue to look out for me and support me through my life. That being said I still find it gross that I love him. But like a stepdad, even though you resent him, when someone’s around you for long enough you can’t help but develop feelings. Especially if all they’ve ever been in supportive and sincere. Love is a funny thing. I won’t pretend I even somewhat understand it. But, I will say that the heart knows that it knows.

It knew I should have asked Ms. Catchu earlier to stay. At the time I didn’t know Claire was going to be staying too. But the heart still knew. If I had asked earlier it would’ve been okay. It would all be prevented. It knows I shouldn’t ask Mr. Jerkon if he loves me. Because that’s wierd. It knows i’m going to be all right. It knows lots of things. So i’ll listen to it.

That’s all for now.

Today and Tomorrow

October 16th 2014
12:24am

So it’s been a while. Today I gambled under age at a casino because Chinese people can’t read western ID’s. My teachers thought it was halarious. I felt a little like a bad-ass. I lost about the equivalent of 15 american dollars.

Tomorrow (Today) I perform. I’m ready. This is what I love to do and I have to show them that. That is all.

Permission!

October 8th 2014
7:18pm

I had such a nice dream last night. Kevin, that attractive stand up comedy guy I met once, had moved into our old nanny suite and one evening I went to visit him. We just laid outside and talked. I can’t remember what about, probably dream nonsense but it made sense at the time. It was awesome <3 Then mum woke me up and sort of yelled at me about how I had to change my monoluge. I felt newh though, I needed to talk to Dr. S. I wanted her to ease my guilt and let me change the monologue to something less risky, but when I got the email that said “Some profanity it acceptable in context and we will brief the judges about that” I was over the moon! <33333 YES! And then mum came home and what do you know, it was time to meet mister Mr. Sasage at school to help me with it. I felt so good. I know it’s whats right and I see his view now. I see it. “Those nay-sayers are saying things out of fear…” I felt so good! Like I could do anything! Like I was beyond evreyone! Okay… maybe i’m exagurating a bit. But I felt good. Even when mr. Skinshort gave me the cold shoulder at the fire drill. Maybe it’s because we were supposed to be quiet, but come on. Why you got to be so bipolar? I’m not going to try for it anymore. Anyways, i’m off to work. Adios!

It’s also funny, how all I needed was the slightest, not even permission and my true wants came over me. Thats how you know. When your heart leaps at the sound of the starting line. When it scares you to admit you might want it, but when someone says it’s okay even when the worlds against you.

I can tell when my dads angry when by the way he walks. When he’s normal it’s all

"thmp thmp thmp"
but when he’s angry it’s
“clop! clop! clop!”

"I WANT YOU TO SHUT UP AND START PICKING UP YOUR SHIT"

He reminded me of my monoluges.


I told him.