I love My Dad.

I love my dad. I love him so so so so much. I saw him just now walk into my room, wearing his dapper brown suit and smile. Back from a long day at the doctors office. His little more than tufts of black and speckled with grey hair. His getting slightly bigger nose and glasses sitting on top of it, framing his smiling eyes. He looks so great. He came in just now and said I looked great. He said I looked great in my cargo pants and sweatshirt. Isn’t that nice? He said I look best in that. Just relaxing. Just being me. I hugged him for a long time, longer than usual anyways and he hugged back. It reminded my of when I was a little girl and he would hold me all the time and lift me and swing me. He was so calm. He said he had an “alright day”. But he was still so calm which made it all the more special to me. I realized I mean a lot to him and he means a lot to me. I love him so much my heart just blooms. I know one day he will die. But, he will always be with me in my heart. I know what that means now. It doesn’t mean that he’s living neccasarily, but that he’s changed you and shaped you in such a way that his essence drifts in everything you do. From taking a breath of fresh air in the morning, to kissing someone you love at night. He’s in that, and I love him so so much.

Thats all I wanted to say.

The Rally

Sep 21st 10:11

Today was a beautiful day for me. I walked with almost 2000 people for climate action. I kissed an old lady I met on the bus cheek. I bought food for homeless people. You could see people stretching out in front and behind you like a sea. The police let us march and cut off streets for us. We chanted we marched.

Some people were rude:
“…They were female warriors and-“
“Scuse’ me. Are you sally?”
“No.”
“Do you know where she is?”
“Why?”
“Because i’m looking for her.”
“Why?”
“Because she said she’d meet me here.”
“Ha. She said that to you and like 3000 other people.”
“Okay can I see her?”
“She’s over there.
“Where?”
“There.
“Where? I don’t see her”
“There!”
Eh.

My phone was stolen. One second it was in my back pocket the next second it wasn’t. I didn’t drop it, I think I would have felt it.

Also, I thought I could speak with the microphone and evreything. Sally said I wasn’t allowed too. Not even a couple of words? Maybe I should have asked her again but I didn’t want to rub her the wrong way really.

But it was a beautiful day. We (My friend Joy and I) got crepes, a t-shirt that says “Stay Weird” and memories. Lots of people complimented on my signs I had made this morning with cardboard slavaged from a grocery store, gummy bear ducktape, paint, sharpie and a toothbrush used for painting. One side said “THE EARTH IS NOT OUR BUSINESS PARTNER!” and the other had a earth painted on (rather well I thought) and says “all we’ve got”

I met a lot on gentle and lovely people at the bus one who pointed out that my sign was not completely true.

"I SAY MOTHER YOU SAY EARTH! I SAY CLIMATE YOU SAY JUSTICE"

It was great.

A phone is a small price to pay for all the memories I made.

Make Out To Get Out.

Don’t you fucking try to tell me for a second that it’s easy to break an addiction. Don’t you fucking dare try to tell me that it’s easy to stop with OCD. Don’t you freakin’ dare try to tell me. Because it’s not. And I know because there was a tree today and I needed to climb to the top. It’s a curse. And I know as i’m standing on the curb thinking about how my brain could tell me to lie down on the road, that it’s only gonna get worse. And I feed it. Because it gives me statisfaction. And I fear what life is like without it.

Yesterday I had said no to a dare the day before. A big one I would have usually said yes to. I was down by the river and I felt so calm. And I thought: “Maybe I don’t want to go bungee jumping for my birthday.”. I thought: “Maybe that scares me and I don’t want to do it.”. But that scared me. That scared me big time. Who is the Emily that doesn’t want to go bungee jumping for her birthday? Some buddhist nun?! Feeling so calm? Who is she??? So I did a dare.

Today I was doing the shoreline clean up. It was really hot. Ms. Frankenstein said she still remembered the first time she saw me “stuck in a tree” and that she can’t wait to tell that story at Grad. I asked her if she thought I had changed much since grade six. She said “Yea, well wouldn’t you hope?!” I laughed and said “Ya.” “You’ve matured” she responded. Another teacher, a pretty blonde one, confirmed. After that me and my friend Omar went and counted all the trash numbers. Then I got some cardboard for protest signs and walked up the hill pausing to climb two trees and pop into one museum. The highest one wasn’t that high They weren’t that high. Maybe half the size of the big one. But still. I couldn’t help think, as I climbed over the “Y” like split trunk at the top of the tree and down the other side “I’m going to fall and die.” I’ve never thought these thoughts until recently when climbing trees. I’ve never been so convinced of my tree climbing incompetence. Then I went home and played sims until I didn’t feel pathetic anymore. I was so close to bursting though. I was! All I could think of was dares and how good they would feel. Thats it.

Its times like these I want to make out.

I want to make out to get out.


Do I need help? Yes.
Do I want to be put in the hospital. NO!
Do I wish people were watching over me 24/7? NO!
Do I want to have the strength in myself to ignore the sirens. Yes. Very very very very very much so,

Anxiety

Unknown date.

Fuck you anxiety.

You constantly torture me!
In my head. And I hate to break it to you bud but you don’t decide my destiny and not sorry agian, you don’t always know what’s best for me. Because my passions should make we glow not drench in sweat. Calling me a coward yelling in my head for hours yet the room around me echoes in silence. I obsess over problems obsess and obsess.

About being the only girl on the rugby team. Quite a feat. But like my sister told and gave my mind some brief peice, i’m not doing it for fun. I’m doing it so I can be the only one. Right? Or do I really want to do it, and fear is keeping me from running right to it. Do miss the rush of the kill, the ruck, the tackle, the tri and the thrill. Overcoming deifance, and bullying. I felt so good when I left practice, and when I quit I cried at night for days,


And I ask people what their greatest fear is and they tell me spiders.

I pray.

September 17th 2014
8:10am (before school starts)

I just had a scary thought. My mum was walking down the hallway and Mr. Telus said “Happy birthday, what are you 32?”. Mum laughed and said “Haha, no but well, when you’ve had a year like I have….” I didn’t hear the rest of it. But I just cringed. I hate it when she uses her cancer to get sympathy. But then I thought: “Oh god, what if she gets cancer again and dies and I thought those awful resentful things about her?” I pray dear god, let that not be the case. Maybe it will work, like when I lost my cat Xams and he came back; The more I pray the more likely it will happen. I went outside and looked at the stars every night. I have a feeling…. that if she gets sick again it won’t be good. I pray pray pray that she doesn’t. Maybe this will be the new way my worry manifests itself?

I pray not.

Also, I didn’t do a dare for the first time in forever, and i’m so proud.

Mr.Skinshort and others.

September 16th 2014. 10:43pm

So I did two dares yesterday and maybe a half one today. Climbed trees. Not very tall. Like 12-20ft? I came up with this quote “I want to sail way, defeat tastes too sweet.” I feel fine now, I feel happy, glad, like I don’t want to die. But each day in the afternoon i’m plagued with worries and urges. Fun fact, I met with an agent. Aqua. At first I was worried she’d be really sketchy and like, want to make lesbian love with me? <- That’s my brain for you. She’s really nice and gave me sides. Then I worried about climate change.

Today at lunch I was talking with Clementine, Yuki, Chyanne and Joan. I asked Clementine what happened when her boy friend slept over. “Sexual intercourse?” I asked teasingly… “Don’t say it so loud…” said Clemenentine. “What?” I asked. “Come on, no one cares, don’t worry!”…”Teenagers have sexual intercourse!!!!” I said loudly. Everyone in the circle cringed and scolded like I had just exclaimed we give blow jobs from 50 cents. Well whatever. Maybe I have no civil deceny! But no one cared! Really! Maybe i’m too brash, but no one worries about them as much as they think they do! Anyways I apologized, and left not too long after. Yuki’s always hanging out with her hockey friends and Alana. Although she patted my head today. She’s going to the US again for hockey! I mean! I’ve got to say i’m the slightest bit jelous! She’s so sucsessful! And-! Nghgfhsgefeytueiwy.coewy .cmty .coitu.coeiuw .omew .coty .coquw.coq.com. Huff. Puff. >_< whatever. I mean… no, I shouldn’t be resentful, or jelous or any of those negative things. There’s a whole world we don’t speak of. I’m so tired of this school girl sh** but I keep getting pulled into it! It’s addicting. Also, there’s a teacher…. Mr. Skinshort……………………… Irish fellow. He likes me I can tell. In that way “If you weren’t my student and were like 6 years older i’d be all over that.” I’m going to keep an eye on it. No way am I having an affair with a teacher on top of my life. I’ll keep my distance for sure. That being said, I think he’s funny too. Another writer. But don’t get worried. Like I said, i’m pretty sensible when it comes to these things, and i’ve dealt with similar things in the past. Nothing’s happend! Just so you know. Also, Dr. S. I met another client of yours. She’s a secretary at my school! Only great things she reported! A lot of people admire and look to you Dr. S! Remember that!

Anyways… i’m off to bed… soon.